Mixed Emotions....

Just breathe.

Wednesday night was crazy. Nevermind.

I feel the sudden surge to be alone. Not that it matters but I just want to have peace of mind. Suddenly, my head is playing a melancholy tune...

Given a choice, would you sit on the rollercoaster or watch as people scream their way through the tracks? Right now, all I just want to do is watch. Be a bystander as the world fleets by. I want to be able to choose as to whether or not I want to partake. But life was never a choice wasn't it? You're thrown into this world armed with hope and faith and the idea that you belong. But who are we really? Aimless creatures of god's creation or a destitute soul of no ambition?

While some of us think we've found the true meaning of life, the rest of us ponder but tread on slowly, unsurely and feebly. You soon realise that we live and exist only to wonder why....

Existance was never meant to be a question. We exist just because.

Me? I exist because I yearn to live and feel. For while the body is lifeless and merely a tool of burden, the soul but brings about a trail of emotions felt only by those who live.

Until then....

[Feeling: Slightly sane and mundane]

On rotation: Tangled - Maroon 5


Lips of An Angel Lyrics

Honey why you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause
I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you

I guess we never really moved on
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me will it start a fight
No, I don't think he has a clue
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I,never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel


Never mind that the air smelt funny. Never mind that the security guard gave me funny looks, and never mind that they played cheesy titanic music..... but the god damn sliding door won't open for me. I almost ran into that stupid door. Yes I know I have a special relationship with doors. Anything else you want to add mister? Oh, fyi, I was in a bank.

I feel like eating kuih Nagasari. Now where am I suppose to get those. Been craving for funny foods lately. Hmmm. pms.

I want to watch the world go by. I want to watch as the waves run to shore. I want to watch cars drive by and people scurrying about..... I want to watch the sunset and the sunrise. Come to think of it, I can't recall when I last watched the sun set. I miss camping with dad. I don't miss the mosquitoes though.

I've got a superman theme event tomorrow. And we're supposed to be decked in our blue and red outfits. I think I'm too old for this. It doesn't help that my clients will be there. It'll be sooo tiring... I have 5 freaking meetings to go to on Thursday alone. So I guess I'll have to grit my teeth and smile behind that tired tired tired face. Ugh.

Summer just wasn't my season

[Listening to: Vitamin R - Chevelle]

I love the cold and chilly weather. The frosty window panes as it rains. The icy cold breeze on your face and the need to snuggle up to 'that someone' who makes you feel safe and warm. I love the droplets on leaves and the wet pavements and the smell of rain. To sum it all, the rain actually makes me smile.

So yeah, there are many things you can't do when it rains but hell, i love it the same.

The weather these few days is purrr fect.

While some just love summer, I think I'd love winter and spring.... Singapore has 4 seasons too. Hot, Hotter, Cold, Colder...

Momo killed my suckerfish. Silly boy.

Am missing someone so.....

I've said this so let me say this again. Sometimes things happen in life and it happens not because we want it to. Its like sometimes you think: I never asked for this. And then you realise that you never NOT asked for it either. I mean, how are you to know. Well, that I believe is not something we all have a say in.

Just something I thought interesting:


"And, here’s a Big Love Irony: Rushing love actually leads to less control—because often, when you rush that crush you’re more likely to crash that crush. Many people who move speedily into a relationship wind up scaring off a potential partner—or even unwittingly scaring off themselves."

inSAnity....

Listening to: Miss you Love - Silverchair]


I love the way you love
But I hate the way
Im supposed to love you back
Its just a fad
Part of the teenage angst brigade and
Im not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

- Miss you Love Lyrics, Silverchair

Company drinks at Monty's Boat Quay

I can't wait for our 2 week break in Dec. The office will close then and I'd have a looong break after much hardwork and staying back in the office till after 9pm. Then again, I'm sure I'll get bored so I have stuff lined up for this year. I wanna ride on the cable car and have a picnic at Sentosa. Or maybe drive up to KL for a day and shop like crazy. Well erm, if there are things to buy. Or spend the whole day at a spa....

on another note. dad has definitely mellowed throughout the years. i miss my growing up years with him. How I'd sit on his lap while he peels melon / pumpkin seeds and feeds them to me. Dad has always been my inspiration, my motivation.

Yeah, sometimes I do feel I can never live up to his expectations and then I realise, his only expectation of me is that I do the best I can. Dad has always tried very hard to make life comfortable for me and thats what I try to look for in a husband. Someone who would do everything within his power to make life comfortable for me. I don't need a cushy or luxurious lifestyle. I just need one that is comfortable. yeah, i've changed haven't i? I believe I'm calmer now and I don't yearn for materialistic things as much. Of course in times I still do... but it's not like I had to buy 'something' everyday.

In the past, I think I buy things to fill up that emptiness I feel. Now with the sudden realization that the family has got my back, I'm stronger. It's like nothing can faze me now. Dad even went to say I should start my own biz. Whatever the outcome, we'll deal with it as a family. Hmmm. what about capital and running a biz, what do I know? He says I should start picking up tricks, like understanding how my company works and applying it. And what if i fail? He says: Failure is a stepping stone to success. If you don't try, you won't know. because there is never just one outcome. never fear what you don't know. and failure isn't something that will happen for sure.

I could never have asked god for a better father.

Oh, and mum got ben a personal trainer. shessh. i might want to pick up a few exercising tips or two. I haven't been jogging in yonks and my body feels sick. hmmm...

Momo... Pix and Strip.

Feeling: Slightly groggy and peeved

I now have two gorgeous fighting fishes. One in moonlight blue and another in bright almost luminous blue. I can't believe it! They are so pretty, their tails kinda reflects light and at different angles, they look really different. whee! Kindly bought for to me by Encik Zamir. Aye aye sir. I still can't believe he bought my baby bro 4 fishes. I have no idea what those fishes are called but they look like mini skinny goldfishes to me and an albino suckerfish.

* Drum rolls.... and my fishes names are Momo and Pix. My next fish will be called Strip. *winks at mr. kidnapper. Momo the one in moonlight blue is sooo hyper it reminded me of myself so I bought it.

Pix was suppose to be Zamir's. The only reason why he bought it was because I pitied the poor thing and I couldn't decide between Pix and Momo. Do you know that the shop owner sold Pix in a plastic bag smaller than the size of my hand. The fish could hardly move! So I decided to rescue it. I would've rescued the rest if I had space but seeming how there were probably 100 of em, I can't fit them all at home. After all, I can't put fighting fishes together or in my house pond. So He decided to buy it and keep it at his place. I changed my mind about keeping Pix at his place when he left it overnight at mine and I grew attached to it. I love them both. And Pix, is very good at acting dead. Doesn't that sound familiar Mister?

Anyway, I'm up to my neck with work. It's been a crazy few weeks. Meetings, meetings and more meetings. With the special editions, ah all I can say is its been crazy here. Crazy is good, I looked up my watch yesterday only to realise, eh its already 430pm. aaack. i didn't know where my day went, it passed so fast.

Anyway, a client seems to think I'd do well in Indonesia. Hmm... he has no idea i suck in Malay, let alone Bahasa Indonesia. Which reminds me, I always say, "Cakap" instead of "Bilang / Beritahu saya". Cos when I want someone to tell me something I say "Cakap ar" and apparently, thats not how it should be said. Ah, whatever lah, you get my drift. Kurma hidup... hahaha. mum thinks its hilarious... laugh your hearts out. He who laughs last laughs best. Hmmph. How the hell do you say fresh dates in Malay anyway?

Ughhh. my nose is giving me the shits.... It's soo itchy and blocked. I shall be a spoiled brat and get mum to pick me up from work today. Heh. Yeah yeah fai, I know I'm turning 25 in a few days but I'm like the biggest baby in the family on top of Haqmal. I'm lucky to have a close knit family. Dear god, thank you. Ok, I can't think because my nose is bloody itchy. I think I'll pop by the clinic to get nose drops later. I hate this feeling.

Four

Listening to: So Far Away- Staind

Four months... How time flies eh? Guess what he bought me??.... the Ever After DVD!!! Aaaah Fawa we can watch it together. After 9 friggin years.. Drew Barrymore whee! I absolutely love the movie... Watched it with Fara way back in 1997. And yes he also bought me Dunkin Donuts. Wah the chocolate fillings. yummy! I'm telling you mister, you spoil me mad ..... so don't blame me if I become spoiled and very reliant on you. you indulge my every want and I still can't believe you give in to my every whim, my whining and constant griping. I still remember complaining about the hot weather when we were on your way to watch you play football. You kept asking me if I was ok, Like a gazillion times..... you carried my bag for me and I felt like a child. So hey, don't change ok.

Oh yah so what did I get him? Nothing. I told you I'm not into monthly anniversaries. Yet he says, his present is seeing me smile when I see the DVD he bought me.... Awwww.... silly boy.

The office will close for 2 weeks in December and I don't know what to do... It will be soooo boring. I'd probably come back to work and do stuff. Mum's gonna say I'm crazy and Dad will probably keep telling me to rest. I can't lah. I'm always edgy and always wanting to do something.

Things I want to do:

• Bungee jump
• Go up the DHL hot air balloon
• Go for a spa - I need a break
• Soak in the bath tub with lotsa bubbles
• Shopping
• Travel out of Singapore
• Eat my heart out
• Money to feed the poor

Things I yearn for: (bear with me while I be very materialistic)

• an ipod video
• an ipod video
• a fighting fish
• new shoes
• designer jeans - rock & republica

Right now. all I want is you. yeah you. points in the mirror. don't mind me I'm mental remember?

In Loving Memory....

[Listening to: In Loving Memory - AlterBridge]

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you´re always there for me
You´re always home waiting
And now I come home and I miss your face oh
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
You were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad He sets you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you'll be with me still

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where is my crystal and my key?

I love the lyrics of this song. Maybe someone might just sing it to me one day when I'm gone or when I no longer exist.

Been thinking about loads of things. Relationships take effort and I'm doing all I can. It's not all that smooth sailing. But it hasn't been rocky either. It's just effort. Or maybe I'm plain lazy. Hahaha. Woit! I'm not ok. I work hard for a living and I work my ass off.

Oooooh.... we're going karaokeing... Yani, Bobby, Rubin + her mat friend, Zamir and me. I wonder if I should invite Lydia. I miss her already. Haven't seen her in yonks.... And Fawa.... babe! where the hell are you? Let's hang lar.... ok actually its my fault right? cos I kinda cancelled our plans. Ok ok.... dinner on me ok. Satay? Lau Pa Sat? Yummy. Or we could do supper.

Speaking of hanging out, I'm gng Vivo with my sis and cousins to pick out her prom / graduation dress. So fun - makes me wish I was 18 again.

In approximately 27 days, it will be my birthday. I don't feel 25. So I kinda don't feel like celebrating... whats the use of celebrating when you keep getting older.

Hee.... the question then should be, "How young are you?"....

Sings:
I don't wanna grow up
I'm a Toys R Us kid.....


Nobody knows this song anymore.

No matter the outcome...

Listening to: Stars Above Us - Saint Etienne

Feeling: Up to my neck with work

Yeah, the blog doesn't feel like me.... simply cos I'm still tryin to get use to this.... still trying to get a hang at this... Still not sure of the different functions - still exploring although I hardly have time now to do any of this.... I've always loved writing so I guess for now, I'd just fill in my thoughts. Expressing myself with colours and the layout will take time... And right now, time is an opulence I just don't have....

Targets.... don't know if I can hit em' but I'd give it a shot! It's a team target afterall and if you fail, everyone else fails.... Its good to know we have each other's backs....

Fai, I miss you lar... I dunno how to allow comments for anonymous people but aaargh lemme figure it out... I kinda guessed you're off on writing / updating your blog for now. It happens. Me? Well, I express myself through words and if I suddenly stop writing, well that will be the day I stop thinking... hahaha

Tracy Chapman's If you Wait for Me Lyrics

If you think of me

If you miss me

Once in a while

Then I’ll return to you

I’ll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering your touch

Your kiss, your warm embrace

I’ll find my way back to you

If you be waitingIf you dream of me

Like I dream of youIn a place that’s warm and dark

In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Unwarranted Strife

Feeling: Slightly 'mabuk'


crazy headache. aaargh

OOOH... guess what? My uncle (who has never met Zamir) approached him while he was on duty at the Woodlands checkpt to ask abt some autopass thing. knowing Zamir, he just had to ask if my uncle was going over to stay at 'Encik Jamil's (my father) place. He said that my uncle looked like my dad and so he just had to ask....

My uncle was kinda shocked.. Hahah mister you must've sounded like some stalker. Hahah or maybe you're in uniform so he thinks you're spying on him - haha conspiracy and espionage. Anyway, Pak Nya went on to tell the whole family and now everyone knows. The minute I woke up, everyone was talking about it and I was still clueless until mum brought it up. She mentioned how she always goes to JB and has never onced bumped into Zamir but Pak Nya at his first visit to Singapore, could've bumped into him.

anyway.... my cousin's wedding was so so.... was a very formal get together of families. family ties not looking too well and i shan't say any further. Uncles, aunts, squabbles - gossips, frustrations. Poor dad. And to think that my uncles still thinks that he has authority over his other siblings. It was like an adult rebellion of sorts. I always thought that my parents were a bit too 'up there' but I had it wrong. They're understanding people and they only want what's best for me. I now know why.

My aunt and uncle, well all I can say is that I wish them the best.... they may have treated us unfairly but I don't hold grudges and I'm sure mama and papa doesn't as well. I mean, c'mon mama made the effort to come down and help.... even though she has an event at the Nuri Kindergarten graduation in JB...

Dear Allah, please make them realise. For the sake of family ties, please make them understand humility and get them to understand that with respect comes authority.... afterall, if people don't respect you, you have no authority. In the first place, nobody has authority over anybody.

Anyway, it didn't help that my uncle chided my cousins, aunts and uncles who came all the way from KL and Malacca just because they didn't come at the time he wanted them to. C'mon the wedding ceremony - 'nikah' only started at 4pm and he wanted everyone to be there at 10am. Everyone came at 2pm and he was furious. Plus there was nothing to do cos everything has been taken care of. They've employed helpers. So really, if we were to come at 10 on the dot, wouldn't it be pointless? Ok I shall stop this now. Family matters are internal. I just thought I'd let off some steam cos dad was soo angry, he had his hands in a fist and was trembling when my uncle started his whole 'spiel'. Thank god I wasn't there for the supposed 'dinner'. I was ill and not feeling well on that Saturday so I kinda missed the whole drama. Yet everyone was talking about it the next day.... Despite feeling sick and mutilated, I still went for the wedding celebrations on Sunday @ Kampung Melayu. Was up at 8am and left the place close to 430pm. Tired.

After which at ard 430pm Zamir picked me up in a van at Kampung Melayu where we then proceeded to go 'Jalan Raya' with his colleagues. I was already tired and my body was showing signs of exhaustion but knowing how I'm prone to pushing myself albeit at work or play, I decided I could still withstand it and went along with everyone else. Which then resulted to my falling sick and having the most horrible headache and dizzy spells. It was terrible. I felt like puking and at the second last house, I decided that I want to to go home. That was at 11pm already. Reached home at 1130pm, woke dad up cos wanted Zamir was ready to say Hi at our front door.... and I took a shower and slept like a log..... What a looooonnnnggg day.

Snore.....

Lucid...

[Feeling: Petulant - Someone sedate me please]

Work is piling up. 2 main issues, 1 special edition. No joke man. Not been having lunch with the gang lately. Guess where I am during lunch? At my desk - typing emails formulating proposals and pitches. ugh... Right now, I wish for a day without work. A brain dead activity for me to do. I want to NOT think for 1 day.

I'm beginning to like this new blog. Easy to use. Very elementary.

Orh. My couz is getting married this weekend. I bet everyone will be asking *points at me.... Whats the hurry ... really?? Ok, apparently HIS friend said that 25 is 'old' for a girl. Thats unfair. 25 is young. Now 40 is old. Aaaaargh sudden realisation attack! 5 more years and I'll be the BIG 30... aack

Dear god keep me young.

Mum made Nasi Briyani Dubai yesterday. Was suppose to give some to the tenants at the condo but they weren't home and since Zamir was around the corner, Mum suggested that we give it to him instead. Oh! Thats nice of her. So we drove up to where he was - Mustafa Center and passed him the briyani. I wonder if he's eaten it.... Mum cooks fantastic food plus the ingredients for that particular dish was prepared by the Dubai folks. Authentic.... hmmm. Im hungry now. I never liked Briyani because I'm no fan of rice, but this one takes the cake and its not oily.


I MISS HANGING OUT..... AND JUST CHILLING

Drivel me this... drivel me that

[Feeling: Still hungry]

new blog, new life, different experiences

I just could not make that previous blog of mine private. like darn! what happened?

anyway, i figured I'd start anew. 2005 is coming to an end soon and although i will miss a few entries in my previous blog, im sure there will be many more experiences to come.

so its been a while eh? whats new?

Let's see.... he's finally met my parents... and hey, what do you know - things turned out pretty well. You should see what a nervous wreck i was. Him? He appeared calm but what was really going on in that head of his, I don't know for sure. I'd love to think that he would have pee-d in his pants but knowing myself, I think I would've done that, if my legs didn't give way and turned to mush first. I'm surprised at how he was able to hold a conversation with my dad. About Sadam Hussein and work and anything under the sun. The whole family was at ease and the fact that my parents didn't shoot him with difficult questions was so surprising - I think they were too easy on him. Ahhh... or maybe he might just get it the next time he comes by.

Which reminds me..... Haqmal calls him Abg McDonald now. Abg MCDONALD??!! Loooonnnng story.

Funny thing was dad was laughing and joking and relating experiences of his own relationship with women to Zamir. Hmm... what I expected to be something formal turned out to be really really casual. Even I found myself slouching towards the end of the hour long conversation - I was sleepy ohkay - It didn't help that I was out the whole day following Zamir visit his friends and relatives. Ok ok ok, so we went by car throughout so I shouldn't complain. BUT it was still tiring and after 6 houses, I feel like puking. Too much good food isn't a good thing.

Anyway mister, thanks for constantly bugging and pushing me to relent to you meeting my parents. It wouldn't have happened if it weren't for your persistence and reassurance and most importantly your motives for doing so.

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